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THE OUTRE EYE OF DANIEL XIII: BENEATH, THE HUMAN RACE, THE TWILIGHT ZONE ESSENTIAL EPISODES and SEPTIC MAN!

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I got a real treat for ya my ghouls: more of what you love… namely, yours cruelly! Ya see, creeps, this here bit o’ wretched writing debuts a brand new format from the ol’ Ouija Board Kid, wherein I annoy—err—entertain you with even more revoltin’ reviews, insane interviews, and other assorted ass-foolery! I present to you the Giant-Sized Man-Thing Treasury Edition Super Special debut of THE OUTRE EYE OF DANIEL XIII!

This week I turn my unblinking third eye upon the following fearsome flicks: BENEATH, THE HUMAN RACE, THE TWILIGHT ZONE ESSENTIAL EPISODES, and SEPTIC MAN!

beneath

  • RELEASE DATE: Available Now on iTunes, Google Play, Amazon Prime, Xbox, Time Warner, Comcast and Direct TV
  • WRITTEN BY: Patrick Doody, Chris Valenziano
  • DIRECTED BY: Ben Ketai
  • STARRING: Jeff Fahey, Kelly Noonan, Brent Briscoe

CAN YOU GET A GRIP ON THE THRILLS OF BENEATH’S LONG, DARK SHAFT?

Caves and mines: not only are they allegorical stand-ins for the confines of the womb, but their ebony, enshrouded interiors convey a carnival spookhouse fear that around every “coroner” a boogeyman lies in wait to sever the gossamer thread of our life force—not to mention the oppressive dread of claustrophobia that can suffocate the sensitive viewer. (Holy cats, this sounds serious. Don’t worry, I’ll wreck the haughty mood soon with some sort of juvenile wise-ass ass-wisery.)

Many a terror tale has utilized a dark shaft (see, I’m already heading down that deep chasm to cheap laughs… wait, I just did it again) to great effect: MY BLOODY VALENTINE, THE STRANGENESS, THE DESCENT… all have done a frightfully fantastic job of making us feel trapped with a deadly menace ready to pounce from the stygian depths. Well creeps, recently I had the opportunity to check out a new film that takes place in a sweltering dark hole (are you keepin’ count?) entitled BENEATH.

BENEATH concerns a group of miners, including ol’ “one day to retirement” George (Jeff Fahey) as well as his tag-along daughter Samantha (Kelly Noonan), who go ahead and immediately get themselves trapped approximately a zillion miles (that seems accurate to me, but it may have been like 600 feet) underground. Now, those mangy miners blame Samantha for their bad luck, seein’ as how she’s a she and probably has cooties and all (not to mention being an environmental lawyer opposed to the mine, which makes her as popular as a fart in a submarine to these dudes), but we both know that it’s George’s fault—that retirement is always a freakin’ albatross.

Anyway, the air soon gets a bit thin and certainly toxic, which may or may not be why Samantha begins to see people’s faces turn into grey pizza dough. To make an already complete turd of a situation worse, the group soon discovers the shaft has a tragic past involving another group of trapped miners from nearly a century ago nicknamed The Nineteen—and before you can say “I was born the coal miner’s daughter in a cabin on a hill in Butcher Holler,” the cramped confines begin filling up with corpses as the group is attacked by a pick–axe wielding murd-ah machine possibly under a bit of preternatural possession.

BENEATH is a pretty solid lil’ yarn, filled with plenty of rampin’ suspense, supernatural seasonin’, solid actin’, and a nice element of letting the audience decide if what is going on is the result of ghosts (it totally is) or just plain madness (it isn’t, and if you decide it is, you are wrong). So why not check out BENEATH today and form your own opinion (ghosts) today!

Oh, almost forgot, I give BENEATH 4.5 ghosts of miners out of 5!

(Ghosts.)

 

human_race

  • RELEASE DATE: Available now on DVD
  • WRITTEN BY: Paul Hough
  • DIRECTED BY: Paul Hough
  • STARRING: Eddie McGee, Trista Robinson, T. Arthur Cottam, Paul McCarthy-Boyington

DOES THE HUMAN RACE TAKE HOME THE EXPLOITATION GOLD?

Ever wonder what would happen if someone made a film that combined CUBE and THE RUNNING MAN with a dash of BATTLE ROYALE while not being titled THE HUNGER GAMES, my fiends? Yeah, me either, but as evidenced by the existence of THE HUMAN RACE, once again filmmakers did not take my indifference into account. So, was combining these hoary ol’ chestnuts a worthy endeavor, or will this one just run your patience ragged?

The plot is pretty straightforward: a large group of everyday folks find themselves magically whisked away to a nondescript warehouse district, where they are forced to run a footrace that contains a few standard rules—ya know, the typical crap like don’t run on the grass, follow the arrows, don’t get lapped twice—which, if they aren’t followed, will result in your head blasting off your shoulders followed by a crimson shower of my personal El Guapo: CG blood.

To keep things interesting, the “contestants” in this race include two deaf people who can finally hear once brought to the race (but just the disembodied race statistics, which everyone hears in their own voice), a man with one leg (there’s a joke in there somewhere, but unbelievably I’m going to take the high road) and a pregnant woman (yeah, mileage may vary on the outcome to that one), along with your generic (and in some cases geriatric) men, woman, and even a few children (they are not geriatric).

As the race progresses, we are given some heavy-handed theological discussion, as well as a few postulations on the human condition. It will come as no surprise to anyone that has read any of my reviews that I give less than a single F about that crapola. But while those elements of the story failed to tickle the freaky fancy of yours cruelly, they are brief, and do not derail the brisk pace of the film—which also is thankfully heavy-handed with the ol’ red stuff (hey, CG or not, I will always favor gallons o’ gore over the alternative). There are also some great shots in the film, especially those that deal with the countdown of runners remaining, as well as some De Palma-style multiple image jazz.

Also, the ending to this displays a preposterous level of out-of-left-fieldness, so I of course enjoyed the ever lovin’ hell out of that; and that’s my biggest complaint: I wish the rest of the film had embraced the same level of lunacy. Aww well, maybe in a sequel…

Let’s cross the finish line of this review (I regret nothing)! THE HUMAN RACE follows a predictable course, but has its heart in the right place (i.e. somewhere on 42nd St circa the mid 70s), but unlike those gloriously garish, terrifically trashy flicks of yore, this one just doesn’t go as far as it should to really blow my mind (hahaha… get it? Cuz their heads blow off in the movie! Ha… ha… I think I need to up my medication). I give it 3 worth a lap around the tracks out of 5!

Run over here to pre-order a copy!

 

twilight_zone_essential

  • RELEASE DATE: Available now on DVD!
  • WRITTEN BY: Rod Serling and various
  • DIRECTED BY: Various
  • STARRING: Burgess Meredith, William Shatner, Agnes Moorehead, Claude Akins, Anne Francis and roughly 4,657 others

Am I Steppin’ Into The Twilight Zone? Yes, I Guess I Am.

Ya know something my creeps, I have a bit of a shocking truth to lay on ya before we dive into today’s review of THE TWILIGHT ZONE ESSENTIAL EPISODES: I’ve never been the biggest fan of THE TWILIGHT ZONE. I mean, I liked what I saw of it, but I never went out of my way to actually park my arcane ass in front of the ol’ Zenith and watch it episode by episode. I know, I know… I can hear the collective gasp from the tens of you readin’ these woeful words: “B-but Danny XIII, you always seem like you have a fearsome finger on the pulse of what’s cool… you’re so handsome, and sexy, a-an… and… I’ve always wanted you to sweep me up in your rail thin, kinda feminine, yet astoundingly powerful arms and make sweet, sweet love to me.” Well, fiends, all of that is true (and completely understandable), but for some reason I just never paid a lot of attention to Rod Serling’s seminal suspense series. I mean it was always, always on TV, but other things  seemed to draw my attention away from the ol’ Zone…you know, high class things like films involving roller derby girls and gorillas or an Italian Yeti with a nipple fetish.

And now that an angry mob (or maybe just a small gathering… OK, it’s no one) are tunneling their way to my cavernous crypt—no doubt led by the corpse of Rod Serling, who began spinning like a dynamo when I mentioned that I ignored his show to watch YETI: IL GIGANTE DEL 20° SECOLO—I can halt them in their tracks when I say that after viewing the seventeen eerie episodes in this collection, I have to wonder how the hairy hell I didn’t immediately fall in love with this the minute I first saw it.

Since I’m sure all of you well-informed wacky weirdos out there already know all about these episodes, I’m gonna keep it brief (I know, I don’t even believe that myself), and just hit upon a few of my favs from this calamitous collection, with a few words from yours cruelly about each one (and a lil’ rating action to boot). Ready? Too bad, here we go anyway:

“Walking Distance”: This one is sad… like puppy in the rain sad, with those big eyes starin’ up at ya as the downpour mixes with his puppy tears and combines into a river of sorrow. OK, it’s not that sad, but it’s a real reflective piece o’ poetry wherein Gig Young learns a lesson that should be taken to heart by all of us trying desperately hold on to our youth rather than enjoy today. (P.S. Up yours Gig, I’m holdin’ on to my comics and toys until they have to be pried from my COLD DEAD HANDS!) 4 Yesterday’s Got Nothin’ for Mes out of 5

“Time Enough At Last”: The Penguin wants to read some books and gets boned (not literally). 4 Audiobooks Would Solve Everythings out of 5

“The Monsters Are Due On Maple Street”: Sheriff Lobo tries to keep his neighborhood from goin’ blood simple after a UFO causes a blackout. 5 Intergalactic A-holes out of 5

“Nick of Time”: Captain Kirk gets addicted to a little plastic devil head (ironically, this was also the name that Orion slave girl gave to James T.’s lil’ phaser gun). 4 Never Trust An Effigy Of The Lord Of Darkness to Not Screw You Overs out of 5

“The Invaders”: The actress with the best porno name that actually didn’t star in porn, Agnes Moorehead, takes on an army of knife wielding toy robots. Simply awesome! 5 These Robots Make Homicide Adorables out of 5

“It’s a Good Life”: Will Robinson terrorizes an entire town with his psychic powers. God how I wish this was my life story… well, not the end part. 5 Featured in TWILIGHT ZONE THE MOVIEs out of 5

“Nightmare at 20,000 Feet”: The Shat regrets using Priceline as he finds out the reason those plane tickets were so cheap is that the flight is overbooked by monsters (well there’s only one, but any amount of monsters on a plane over zero is too many damn monsters). 5 Also Featured in TWILIGHT ZONE THE MOVIE yet with 100% more Dr. Emilio Lizardos out of 5

So, who is this collection perfect for, you ask? Well, besides being the ideal choice for casual fans and neophytes, this set is also ideal for folks just like you, because honestly, who wants to dig through 45,696 discs to view their favorite episodes of a show? Not you, that’s who! I mean I saw you watch A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2 on Netflix last week when I know damn well you own the DVD… Wait? How did I know that? Uhh… I just guessed? Look, this isn’t about me; I just know you don’t have time for that crap. OK, I may have spied on you from the bushes once… but just once… Just buy the damn disc… oh and if yer hungry fer more TZ spills und chills, check out the THE TWILIGHT ZONE: THE COMPLETE 80s SERIES comin’ yer way on August 26th!

  • septic_manRELEASE DATE: Now Available on VOD and in theaters
  • WRITTEN BY: Tony Burgess
  • DIRECTED BY: Jesse Thomas Cook
  • STARRING: Jason David Brown, Tim Burd, Robert Maillet

Will Septic Man Take a Dump On Your Movie Night?

While most everyone would agree that a lot of the films I provide a revoltin’ review for would be considered real turds by most mainstream audiences, it is a rare occurrence that I get sent a film that is actually about sh–. Well, the putrid planets must have aligned, because I just had a chance to pop a squat in front of a lil’ nugget called SEPTIC MAN.

SEPTIC MAN is the type of film that begins with a woman experiencing the same sort of fun you may get if you ate a nice bowl o’ potato salad that’s been stored exclusively under the noonday sun for a few hours. It’s just this type of “both ends action” that will determine if this film is for you in the first place, as the next 80 or so minutes is a non-stop barrage of over the top up-chuckery and diabolical diarrhea.

In the midst of a water contamination fracas, our sh—y (literally and figuratively) hero, sewage worker Jack (Jason David Brown), gets trapped inside of a septic tank and as has happened throughout history, he transforms in to a combination of his former self and a sort of walkin’, talkin’ turd. Now, while normally I would say that this is a pretty ace idea for a Troma-style larf fest that is totally tongue-in-(ass) cheek, this film (unbelievably) plays everything straight, and man, is this thing goddamned grim. With the premise at hand, I expected this to be more TOXIC AVENGER than WINTER LIGHT (Daniel XIII, the only reviewer online that will name drop a Bergman film in the middle of a review about a poop monster).

But all is not lost, faithful fiends, so don’t be so quick to flush this one away! While not exactly as nutty or corny as I’d like it to be, the flick does have some bizarre nonsense to keep you entertained, such as the antics of chainsaw-wielding, sewer-dwelling serial killer Lord Auch (Tim Burd) and his oafish dentist Giant (Robert Maillet) who are circlin’ the same bowl Jack finds himself in. There are also gag-inducing gobs of good ol’ practical effects by the bile drenched bucketful, which is always welcome (speakin’ about those effects, one of the people involved in their creation was Astron 6’s Steven Kostanski, which got me to thinkin’ how much I want to see a sequel to this film with those lunatics’ involvement)!

So, let’s plunge right into the rating for this. I give it 3 baby wipes outta 5!

All of this reviewin’ has left me dead tired (as opposed to just plain dead). Can’t wait to crawl into my coffin and grab a few Zs… now, who the hell can that be on the Phiend Phone (I know, I’m really reachin’ here)? Why it’s none other than SEPTIC MAN die-rector Jesse Thomas Cook!

Famous Monsters.  Hey Jesse, how did you squeeze out the story for SEPTIC MAN?

Jesse Thomas Cook. After doing back-to-back shoots on our early films, MONSTER BRAWL and EXIT HUMANITY, we decided the next step in our filmmaking bootcamp would be a grueling three-picture production odyssey, filming three projects all in the summer of 2012. SEPTIC MAN was one of those films. We brought on bedraggled bard Tony Burgess, who was still reeling from his loss at the Canadian Genie Awards for PONTYPOOL, to write the unholy trilogy that would also include Sci-Fi film EJECTA and fantasy film HELLMOUTH. While shooting the sh– with Burgess, I had an idea at the time of doing a survival horror film about a man trapped at the bottom of a well, who must outwit two killers above. I was personally feeling trapped, as I had a pinched nerve in my back at the time that would later require spinal surgery. So the idea spawned from that feeling of helpfulness.  I was miserable and suffering and frustrated, unable to sleep or walk without insane nerve pain. While I was pitching Tony this story, he was suddenly stricken with a muddy gut and ended up clogging our toilet and destroying the plumbing. It was only fitting, therefore, to set this chamber play inside a septic tank, and have it become an origins story about one man’s rise out of the sh–. Tony called the idea “a great gift”, having recently been fired from his post at the local vinegar factory and cobbling a career in transgressive rural Ontario fiction.

FM. What was it like filmin’ in a vile pit o’ sh–?

JTC. The bulk of the shoot was filmed inside a crude septic tank set that our main actor and production designer Jay Brown constructed. It was built in a field on the edge of town, and it was a crammed and disgusting set. Endless nights were spent in the freezing neck-deep water. We had a tight-knit crew who developed a brotherhood working in these horrible conditions. On a normal film set, one can simply cross the stage and move an apple box. On SEPTIC MAN, in the septic tank, this simple task would become a nightmare of shuffling crew members around and floating supplies across the set to one another. From an onlooker’s perspective, the entire operation must have looked like the last days of a militia encampment; crew members wearing military fatigues and hip-waders, corpses strewn everywhere.

There was also a lot of puking from squeamish crew members, myself included. This added to the production value, as no one bothered to clean it up. Maybe it was the festering rank of latex, corn syrup, and fetid water combined with the chain-smoking haze and the three layers of industrial driveway sealer that was coated on the interior walls. The biggest challenge was on the day before wrap when we had to fill the septic tank set up to 10 feet of water with a fire hose. During the fill, the entire set buckled and exploded and was nearly decimated. We had to make some quick repairs and in fact change the script slightly to accommodate the leaky set. It was a hellish shoot overall, but I think the cold was the worst part, especially for the actors.

FM. If there is a sequel, will the Septic Man tell the corporations and government responsible for his creation to shove it?

JTC. I think a sequel would have to explore that territory. With the film being left open-ended and serving as an origin story, a potential sequel would have to see Septic Man exacting his revenge on the municipal officials who bungled the entire water contamination crisis. I imagine we’d also want to know what happened to his pregnant wife and unborn baby.

FM. Ol’ SM contains a catchy lil’ end tune that serves as a bombastic ballad for the main character (ala MADMAN and MY BLOODY VALENTINE). What inspired that bit o’ madness?

JTC. We wanted to include a fun and catchy ballad for the Septic Man that would sort of act as his theme song, recapping all his misadventures. The main part of the song was inspired by Jim Carrey’s HEE HAW sketch “Cold Dead Hand”. By the end of the song, it steers itself into a SEPTIC MAN infomercial you would hear on a local radio station. We were initially going to film a little Cable TV infomercial for SEPTIC MAN as an Easter Egg. But once we had wrapped, we wanted to clean the stink off as soon as possible, so it never materialized.

FM. So what delightful deviltry do you have in store for us next?

JTC. We just premiered EJECTA at Fantasia Film Festival to a packed house, and it went over extremely well. And we’re now finishing up HELLMOUTH. That will wrap up all three films that we shot back-to-back-to-back in the summer of 2012. We’re also working on an autobiographical curse warfare meta-film about Tony Burgess’ effort to make PONTYPOOL V in Asia and his disappearance ever since.

Well, that ends this unholy beast of a column; I’ll see yer atrocious asses right here next time!


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